Letter to mom.

This is a letter I have written to my mom.

Mom-

This letter only speaks the truth.

One must learn to say no and pull back. One must release the negative and all associated. I will love unconditionally for the rest of my life. I can no longer be around the negative that brings me down. I have said "No"! I release my past and walk away into my future. When judgement day comes I know that I have no negativity and am a honest, loving person. I am a strong woman, and have stood up against what was wrong. Again when judgement day comes, I know I have nothing to hide. I release the demons that have been eating at me. Speak ill of me for what I've done, blame if you have to. Pointing fingers will not bring satisfaction, justice, or security. Pointing fingers allow hate and misunderstanding to rule over your mind, your soul, your heart, and your body. I no longer hate greg, he is nothing to me, and invisible being. His actions hold nothing over me, he no longer scares me, he is nothing but air. Your blindness to the past no longer frustrates me, no longer fills me up with resentment, it makes me aware of how lost you are.

I love myself, I respect myself, I empower myself, I strengthen myself, I listen to myself.

I dont lie to myself or others. In doing so I am filled with beauty, health, and love. My truth will bless all I encounter, and I will be blessed. I grasp who I am and not allow others to penetrate me negatively.

My pain is released and no longer haunts me or affect my life. I wish Catie the same. I too hope she can rise from the pain that runs deep within her soul, and allow it to be left behind. So that she can too walk into the future that is waiting to take her hand and allows her to grow and learn to love herself. I wish her to forgice those who hurt her and if forgiveness is not available, then to realize out of most things were not her fault, and to let go of those hurtful beings and label them as nothing. The main thing I wish for her to do is love herself unconditionally, to respect herself, to empower herself, to strenghten herself, to stand against what is wrong, and to listen to herself.

At no moment will I regret the actions I have taken. At no point will I regret speaking up for myself and my siblings. For someone to speak up against those who wronged or hurt us, takes strength. A strength that empowers an individual who can not or will not stand up for themselves. Again if the blame game must be played, then point your fingers at me if you must, but remember pointing fingers only empowers the hate and misunderstanding in your own mind and heart.

I do and will love you unconditionally.
I do not understand your actions.
I do care for you.
I do not care for your beliefs.

I release my past and allow myself growth. Growth of mind, body, and soul. Growth in the heart. Growth of an individual, and Growth of a Woman

Love Always
Amanda

Getting closer...

My life has finally started climbing out of the hole I have dug for it. Pretty soon I will standing above the hole looking done, dusting myself off with a huge smile on my face. I will then turn away from that hole and start to walk, possibly even run. With everything finally coming together I just know we will finally hit our goal of leaving Kansas in a van with our dog, and travel. We plan on leaving Kansas behind near my birthday next year. With hopes of looking at the herbal schools we pass and finding one for me. Hopefully going back up to the northwest. Which in our time being up in Portland we have grown to love. We plan on taking our time through the southwest and up the west coast.

I finally got that job with Borders books, which I am addicted to by the way. I will be the lady who serves you your delicious coffee anyway you like it, with any pastry your heart desires. I orginally didn't apply for the barista position at all. I havent really worked with coffee, and usually too much gives me a headache. But I am willing to learn a trade that no matter where I go I can find a job similar. Also, what is nice about this job that is November I will also start training as a bookseller. So two good trades to have, bookselling and coffee making skills. I enjoy the job so far. There is a lot of training 32 hours worth plus you have to try all the coffees but that is ok. I have learned alot so far in the first 7 hours of training. A lot about where their coffee comes from, how it is grown, and how the roasting goes. Hopefully soon Chris also can find a job, so we will have more money to travel with and settle down somewhere. We plan to save his paychecks and half of mine, just so we have something to live on for the moment.

Things that are not working in our favor is the fact that the economy is in the poopers, and we have no vehicle and it will be awhile before we get a car. This makes it very hard to make sure we have some way for getting me to work.

In other news. My birthday was the 19th of this month and I had a wonderful day with my husband Chris. He took me to dinner and made a yummy cheesecake. A girl must indulge at some point. He also got me a book on herbs and how to grow them. I got a book from my grandma that I had been eyeing for a little while the book is The Earthwise Herbal: By Matthew Wood. Then that following weekend his cousin gave me a gift card to where else but borders so I went looking for Susan Weeds Healing Wise but couldnt find it at the store so I bought it online. It just finally arrived but I havent put it down yet, lol.

Chris I believe has decided not to go into pastry but to go for his true calling either botany or agriculture. He loves to be outside and garden and to learn new plants. So I believe it might be pretty good if we both work on similar but completely different career paths. I love this man.

So all in all the month of September has been kind to us, hopefully the month of October proves just as good.

My husband

I don't think I have formally told you about who I love the most in my life. My husband.

His name is Chris and is the cutest most loving man I know.

Chris and I have known of each other since 8th grade( I used to crush over him for like ever lol). We officially met in 9th grade during seminar during that year we had a few conversations usually started by him asking for some batteries for his CD player, seeing my art or simply just to chat. I moved away from the school for a year. During that year away I called him up one day and we would hang out at times. We had so many memorable moments at this time. My all time favorite was sitting out at my grandmothers farm looking up at the clear sky with the stars dancing around. He wasn't ready to commit to dating and I was still trying to figure myself out. So the day I graduated high school May 25th, we were over at my friends graduation party and he asked me out.

We were inseparable, he made me happy in ways no one could ever achieve. He listened, he loved, he cared, he understood. I moved in with him after 2 weeks of dating to get away from the abuse that was happening at my house. Some may say this is unhealthy but we grew stronger. I think maybe we have only spent the night apart a few weeks at most. A year went by and we faced our hardest time. My grandfather who was like my father passed away. I tried and tried to push Chris away but he stood by me in ways no one else did. He didn't leave me when others did. I know he tried so hard to be there and help me I just was not letting him in but when I tried to stop running and finally let him in it was so magical. A few months later we had just fought and were laying in bed together he asked me to marry him. I know most want men to be on their knee to profess their love but that isn't what I needed. I loved every moment of the way he proposed to me. I don't know how I could have risen from loosing my grandfather without Chris.

May 25th 2007 we got married exactly two years after we started dating. Maybe it was soon but it was right. We had a small wedding but it wasn't about the wedding it was more on the day knowing he and me were there, getting ready to share the rest of our lives with each other and that is all that counted.

Recently we went through another bad thing. When I finally had the courage to charge my stepfather for the sexual and physical abuse of me. Did Chris leave me when he found out I had been molested or other horrors of childhood came out. No, he held my hand and for that I am so grateful. I lost contact with my siblings over the charges, and Chris stood by me making me feel that its not my fault. When my mom accused me of breaking up her family he was by my side telling me that its not my fault. I love him so much.

I never dreamed of having such luck. Marrying my soul mate. Having a man that cared about me and didnt care who I was and actually loved me for my differences and flaws.

We can dance nerdy, talk funny, doing odd things and laugh at the end of it.

He is a gardener, he loves plants I swear once we get land he will take most of it and cover with vegetables and fruits, flowers, and different plants. But I am fine with it cuz I plan on taking the rest and doing herbs. Lol.

He loves music. His taste in music fluctuates. He has mainly good music taste and the others make me go ICK. But the same with me, I know he hates some of mine.

He is peaceful doesn't believe in the war. He really hates government and doesn't really understand the significance politics. I am not completely into politics but I do care what is going on like does he.

He is a hard worker. He would work 60 hour hard labor and go right back in just to make good money.

He is caring. He supports me trying to save every animal. He listens to me or anybody else when they are having a bad day. He loads me up with kisses.

He is great with children. I never seen someone so willing to work with kids, take them anywhere, make them laugh and am really kind with them.

He loves tattoos and piercing and supports me on choices about them.

He loves art, writing, some books, movies.

He loves comedy, horror, drama, action, adventure, and the occasional love story.

His smile lights up a room, its the first thing I look forward to in the morning.


There is so much more and I plan to revise this multiple times. Lol.
So far this is my husband, he loves me for me and I love him for him.

SECOND INTERVIEW!!!

YA I rocked that shit!!!!

lol

Possible Job Oppurtunity

So I applied at borders after walking into their store and saw the now hiring sign. I was expecting a seller/cashier position but that is not what they are looking for at the time. So they offered me the barista position. I have absolutely no experience with anything other than traditional coffee, with a touch of milk or soy and sugar. I told him this and he was perfectly fine with it adding We all start somewhere. So he set up an interview with me tomorrow at 4:30 I am both nervous and excited just cuz I can finally work without worrying about a period all the time.

Many of you may not know that I have had my period for two years and finally had some extra cash thanks for the stimulus check to go to the doctor. The just put me on birth control with ya helped regulate me but I havent felt at all like myself. I am trying to look into something to control my period but to no evail have I found it. If anybody reads this and knows a more natural approach please let me know!

Anyways back to the job I have only worked jobs that involve children, I suppose it will feel rather good to finally be around adults, and have more adult conversations. Other than my dear husband, who is waiting on how his interview monday went. If we both get jobs we will have enough to get out of her YAY!!!!

So we've been planning. I love to plan as many of you may know, thing I hate about planning is that planning usually never goes the way you anticipate. But this time Chris and I are taking charge and going to make this plan work. Chris has a interview tomorrow making up to 13-15 dollars an hour, it isnt something he is entirely happy about doing but he realizes we need the money to pay off some debt and saving up the rest to get out of this town, out of his dads house, and on our own.

I know in the past I have talked about doing some crazy things like hair... Lately I have started to hate hair. So the past few weeks I sat myself set down and think of something that excites me, that interests me and makes me want to know more. Something that if I did I would still be interested in, later in life. So I sat and wondered, pondered. I went through childhood experiences that stick out to me. I always remember my grandma and mom taking things from the house and using them to heal me. I love those moments, we shared bonds and moments over those things. I find my self doing it to this day. So I looked at myself in the mirror and from that moment on I knew what I really wanted to do, needed to do. So I went to the computer and started looking for schools that taught this, and I found one up in Seattle. Bastyr College. Its a college that specializes in natural remedies. I want to go for herbal studies, and maybe farther from there. This is something I truly do feel passionate about and from reading the course and other things about the school I fell in love. Like the love I feel for someone love.

So here is our plan. We plan to live in Kansas until about next September, paying off some debt saving up money and planting a garden. Get us a van we arent sure if we are going to live in it when we get there but to have one just in case is good... I think to establish residency up there we are going to have to rent an apartment for at least a year or so. Then we can leave it and just go to school living in the van. We are not to sure but I feel we are going to have to live in Seattle a little bit before we can go to school. So get jobs up there and start living a new life. Chris is planning on still going for a pastry chef. He is very good. But that is our plan then after school we plan to get jobs with our professions and I plan to go for photography and stuff.

I cant wait to start our vegetable garden and MY HERB GARDEN!!!

Come on next summer.

Here are some of the stuff we plan to plant.


VEGETABLES
Lettuce
Cabbage
Tomatoes
Carrots
Squash butternut, spaghetti, zucchini, cucumbers
green beans
peas
melons
corn
peppers.


HERBS!!!
anise
borage
calendula
chamomile
comfrey
echincea
eyebright
feverfews
garlic
ginger
lavender
mugwort
nootka lupine
sage
st johns wort
basil
coriander
mint
lemon balm
rosemary
thyme
parsley
agrimony
catnip
soapwort
motherwort...

So here you guys go a good little blog for all of you a happy blog...

Lost

As I set here and try to figure out the perfect word to describe what I am feeling the only word that comes to mind is lost. It all comes down to feeling like I've failed, somewhere in life I have failed. I have had all communication from my family destroyed by one act of molestation when I was younger. I was not at fault my stepfather was and all the blame goes down on to me? I feel as though since I spoke up I was punished for an act that I did not commit. I can see why the average person does not stand up and speak up about an act of rape. If this is how they get viewed upon like they were the ones who was doing the raping. Life is so confusing right now, there is no justification for it.

Everything I thought I wanted, I second guess, because so far nothing that I have made a decision about has resulted in a good thing.

I am not really positive how much more I can take. Everything that was working so good is falling and falling fast. I am not sure how life got to be so shitty. How did I fuck up so bad this is the life we are forced to live? Couldn't I have had the ability to make it better, no I probably couldnt. With the saying everything happens for a reason and you are never given something that you cant handle. Well I am about at my breaking point.

I know for a reason there is people with more horrible lifes and are the happiest people, but I have had such a horrible life, i thought it was my time to have a good life. One everybody else was living. One a girl always dreams of. I am not the average girl. I want a small house with lots of acreage, kids, my husband, and love I would be so happy with minimum wage for the rest of my life.

Sorry a rant guys but it had to happen!

Life.

Before you read just know I am happy and enjoying time with Chris. My life is pretty easy right now. I just want more variety.

When one knows its time to leave but has no means on leaving, one gets frustrated. That one is me. I am so tired of knowing what to expect tomorrow. I try changing it up but its getting to the point that those one things only relieve me for the moment. No matter how much I fit into the day it is not getting it close to where we want to be. I enjoy life do not get me wrong. Seeing Chris all day everyday is the best moments of my life. I suspect not having a car has brought me into cabin fever. I know I could walk to places but when you live in suburbia Kansas. All you would wind up going to is the local strip mall but with no cool stores and boring places its no use. I want to just get out of here for awhile. Anybody want to come get us and take us away to a new place? I can not deal with with just couch surfing sponging off someone. Can it be so hard to be self sufficient. The economy is in the pits and it is so hard to find a job. Everyone is hiring but yet there are no jobs for us? That is a weird concept. Are they just that picky? Or am I? Life is getting very predictable, and I am one of those people who hate consistency. This is why van dwelling appeals to me beyond belief. Waking up in the morning in a new part of town, new state or a place unmarked. I am missing things from our time up in oregon. The scenery, the public transportation, the view, the ocean, the forests, and so much more. In Kansas we dont have much but we are known just for our fountains and our bbq. I dont want to live in a place so conservative and only known for those two things.

My ideal place to live would be by the ocean for I could swim all day everyday. Maybe soon I can do that. To wake up knowing something out there is greater than me. Creating something so magical so serene so calm.

I guess today is a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but its my mumbo jumbo.

Anyways on to nicer things my dreads are looking fabulous, they are knotting up very well. I get to see my puppy tomorrow so all is good there.

love.peace.happiness

Long awaited...

Well today we got too updates one... I dreaded my hair. It took about 10 hours and it was long and painful. I think I am exhausted not by how long it took but the pain... I'm happy with it though so yea.


Secondly our long awaited tie dye... First lets get the what you need and stuff out of the way.

You need:
Soda Ash/ or Sodium Carbonate(which we found you could buy at Wal-mart for way cheaper in the pool section)
Pro-cion MX dyes ( make sure you do not accidently buy acid dyes... they do not work for cotton call around to your local art stores)
Squirt bottles(like the ones you put ketchup in)( Make sure you buy more expensive ones though they last longer and do not leak unlike the cheap ones.
100% Cotton Material
A clean surface
A wire rack to the shirt on to dye
Gloves(make sure you wear these examples below)
And a Tub to catch excess dye.

Soda ash will last forever so keep it afterwards.

Ok we got our designs by chance and watching some videos on youtube.

ALright here we go


Spiral.


Double Spiral.

V shirt

Circle.


My wedding dress

Corner burst

Our duvet.
This is Why YOU WEAR gloves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So here you go these are our creations... hope you enjoy and dont forget to check youtube for some awesome tips on how to create these beauties.

Tied and Dyed.

We have been doing some tie dye over the last couple days and have came out with some pretty kick but tie dye... I can't wait to show you guys. But we are working on dying our duvet so after that is done we will post all of our beauties and show you how to come out with some remarkable pieces also... where to go what to use you know the whole nine yards so stay tuned.

Love.peace.happiness
Mandi

Sunshine on my raining days

As the drama starts coming to a end. I feel the warmth of sunshine breaking through the stormy clouds. The wet ground around me starts to dry up and all I got is sunshine. I've finally had the strength to release all the negativity in my life and start grasping and breathing in the positive. The positive has been repressed for a very long time, I almost lost sight on what was so positive in my life. So has I start living the positive, I must also leave the drama here. So here it goes, I am leaving Kansas in a few months, to travel with the biggest positive in my life. My husband. I have been so lost in the negative, I have been drowning out my husband. So we are about to begin our journey to positivity, I can feel the warmth.

So as we begin to depart from couch surfing, we start planning our future. After the whole dramatic performance of my sister running away. We decide to put of having kids for at least 5 years, allowing us to be ourselves and doing what we love. Which brings me to our next plan. We have decided to buy a van and convert it into our home for as long as possible. This way being able to travel when we want, save money and pay of debt. We hate paying money for such large of space when we only use a third of it. All of our stuff fits in one room with so much space left over. We plan to travel the southwest during the winter and then work our way up through the west coast up to oregon during the spring. We love this idea so much and I can hardly wait to buy a van and make it a homey little well home. Something we can just drive for hours not worrying about a apartment. So we will become vandwellers in the next two months if everything pans out the way I want it to.

So look forward to more happy posts, and more journey's and detailed information on our vandwelling trials and much deserved happiness. I know it might be a difficult road but I have nothing but hope.

Cheers to a new beginnings. One we deserve

It's time

If I had an inkling I was obligated to remain in Kansas it was diminished this last week. I was never good with drama it messes with me, and I never like the effects it plays on me. I don't take to well with empty threats either. So as I stew and trying to understand this last week, it's apparent to me that I am not responsible for any of this nor do I need to be. I also came to understand that the longer I stay and deal with this, the more depressed I become. So as I speak I also realize it's time , time to let go and get out. With no money its hard to make plans on leaving but at this point I am trying to sell some odd and end stuff, save that money and work for a few months. I can not change what has happened and its not in my hands. Why should I stay and deal with the problems that keep arising. I should have stuck it out in Portland, remaining there in a place with little drama and great opportunities. I love the feel up there and had no clue as to what to do with life now as we live here and deal with this. I had no clue what we were really coming back home to. I've dealt with this abuse for so long I just can't find the strength to deal with it anymore.

Its time to get out of our rut and live. Living is such a weird word for me and I haven't truly ever lived yet. My life has always been consumed and dictated by someone else. I have truly never had complete control of my life. I'm constantly having my life pulled and tugged on by others. But lately I'm feeling grouchy and when somebody starts talking about how I should live my life I wind up saying something totally rude. I suppose my mind and my body are on the same page but my heart is not. My heart has always tried to help someone, and it gets broken so many times because those ones I try to help never get the help they need, but my mind and body are done with this and are ready to start taking back their independence, and creating blocks from my heart. Allowing me to finally think about myself and nobody else, well and chris. My mind knows something is wrong and is trying so hard to find what is wrong. I think I need a break. Maybe it is time for me to run away is it running away if you are an adult, or escaping. Either way I'm going to escape and live.

There is no way to win the fight I face, so I wash my hands of this and allow it to be handled by the real people responsible. That person is not me.

So here is my plan. Chris is going to get a temp job, making about 400-500 a week. We are going to save up all that money, buy a van. Then continue to work there for a little longer. Once we get the van we are going to throw a stone on the united states and whatever it lands on we will check out. We will then plan on how much we need to get there, how much gas, the prices of gas, and buy a bunch of canned food and live from our van. I know it sounds wild but it really isn't not as wild as to what is going on in my life at the moment.

Hopefully soon I can write a uplifting blog but at this moment its pretty dim, and depressing and I am sorry.

Life rants.

When is it time to pick up and leave? Can you leave without an ounce of money in your hands? Where would 100 dollars get you?

I can't seem to get enthused about life, life seems to be going no where. Where am I going? I've got so many dreams and wants, could I actually achieve them, I suppose is the real question.

I hate living in a place for too long its not me. I've always moved, whether it be from grandmothers to my mothers. Once Chris and I started dating and we got our own apartment, I could not find the strength to live there for too long. I think creating roots scares me, or maybe it's just I cant create those roots. I can't and don't want to be stable. I guess growing up I was never stable so, now I don't have that ability.

After speaking with a few people, maybe its time to just not create roots but a root to a place that isnt rooted down. A van. The mention of it excites me. I love to read about other peoples experiences. I want those experiences. I want that freedom. I just want to live unconventionally. I'm tired of being a typical person. That is born, graduates school, goes to college, gets married, has children, buys a house, retires, and dies. It's like a river. A river has two forks in it you can either go down the one with all the traditional stuff or you can go down the bumpy unconventional adventurous one. I've started to go down the traditional one but lately I'm trying so hard to back paddle, because I've figured this one isn't the one for me. Now now my marriage is great that is not what I'm complaining about. It's everything else that seems such bullshit. Why must one conform to life to be thought highly of? I don't think highly of those who have conformed to this bullshit system. All through school you are taught school is the only thing that will get you through life, if you don't get a college degree, you cant make it in the real world, you need to be married before you have sex(I'll speak more about this one later), money is the core of life, and if you work forever you can retire happy. So why so much heartache until you retire. Why can't you create a life, full of happiness up until the day you die? Why is so much directed toward, financial, marital, business, commercial happiness? Why is one so looked down on if they have no worries and live life as it comes?

It takes me back to a comment a family member said about an elderly hippie from lawerence who found love in a 20 something year old female. And how the guy is crazy, because he is always dancing, around the university, and just having fun. Well he has found love but everyone thinks it's weird, because he is an old free loving elderly man, and this girl is a young free loving girl. I just feel that this man was being looked down on because of who he was, and he did not conform to this fucking bullshit of society.

I guess i am just tired of feeling like a caged animal. Always being stared at and having somebody wait until I fail or make mistakes. I need to be free live a life I have created, not one that somebody has pre-determined for me. I don't think I could live the typical American dream. I feel like I need to get out and start living life. As I grow older I continue to realize the pre-determined life is not a life I want to live. So here I am rewriting my life. Cheers to a new life. New dreams. New beginnings.

So as I conclude this rant of life, I leave you with one question?

Are you happy with your life?

love.peace.happiness

My life decisions

I'm good with my hands.
I love pleasing people.
I love praise, and compliments.
I enjoy being around people.
I love being creative.
I'm excellent at creating duplicates.
I hate knowing what tomorrow will bring.
I love challenges.
I love learning.
I'm very optimistic.
I love listening to people.
I love trying new things.
I deal with change.
I have a big heart.
I love to talk.
I'm a good friend.
I acknowledge my mistakes.
I will do anything to better myself.
I would give someone the shirt off my back.
I love nature.
I love animals.
I love art.
I love LOVE.
I am caring.
I am indecisive.

As I think about the above, I can apply most of those to what I want to be in life. Thing is I always seem to not be able to make up my mind. As I do, I always find something else I want to be. My ambitions seem to surpass me and I usually never go through with it. But over the years and becoming to realize stuff about myself, and what relaxes me and stuff I enjoy, I realize I have the power to be whatever I want to be. So these are the careers I have thought of over the years, accompanied by the years I thought I wanted to be that. lol. I will at the end of the post reveal what I have been looking into and am finally happy with the decision and why I chose it.


As a child up until I was a sophomore in high school I wanted to be a veterinarian. I suppose I came to wanting this just because, I grew up on a farm. I was the child who would put popsicle sticks on baby chicks legs because they were broke, or the time I was 4 and I helped with a pygmy goat C-section. I spent all my time around the farm checking on the animals, and if they needed help I was there. I remember times, when it would be in the middle of winter, and the sheep were giving birth, that I would go out there and take a towel to the babies to get them dry. Or the many animals I would rescue and help along the way. But after seeing more devastation of the animals not making it, even when i tried so hard, I decided it wasn't for me. Then a few years later it came back, but again I wasn't ready to see so many animals hurt or die. I then looked into becoming a vet tech, but I knew my creative side wouldn't shine, so i didn't want to do it.

But then my junior came and I was enrolled in all art classes. I mean I was a very creative child my whole life. I still have a drawing from first grade, where I had drew my grandpa cutting hay to make hay bales. He wasn't cutting it with a brush hog no I had him cutting the hay with scissors. I had a huge imagination. I guess that is what led me into wanting to be an artist. Thing is my mom pushed it so hard, because that was her dream, I burned out and left it.
But like the vet stuff this one bit me back in the ass. I dont want to go to school to be an artist where is the uniqueness of that I mean all the teachers teach the same thing, the way they want. But each teacher doesn't let one grow and do their own thing. AGAIN not for me. I suppose I'll keep it as a hobby and if it branches off into something it will.

Nursing, ya I pretty much picked this one to have a good thing to fall back on. I would be safe right. I don't know, it seemed logical. Apparently I'm not logical, I don't want to be safe. I wanted to do nursing, but not anywhere in a negative part of a medical place. I didn't think this one through. I wanted to do nursing in the labor and delivery unit of a hospital. All my friends are having babies. I believe having a baby is the biggest miracle of life. It comes from you, you help it grow, it's something you'll always be proud of. I just don't believe I can be creative in this field either, ya I know I am rambling. I suppose I couldn't deal with the loss of a life. I didn't do so hot when my grandpa died, but even watching children dying or seeing a child live without a parent on television, I tear up. I just don't think I could handle the reality of death.


So it brings me back to what I have been looking into and a new career path. So I am creative, good with my hands, a people pleaser, a great listener and love doing something new all the time. I grew up hating my hair, it never did what I wanted it to. It was curly and very hard to maintain. Ive learned to love it. It took a lot to finally get it down on what I needed to do. After going to many salons, and not finding a single one who new what they were doing, I knew it was time to research and find products good with my type of hair. I enjoyed trying new products in my hair. I loved changing the colors. In my life I have probably dyed it a hundred times, always about 10 times a year. I love change. I love creating a new look with it. I could do it all day everyday. So after my sister had made a comment while I was cutting her hair, it sunk in on what I wanted to be. I knew what she wanted we had researched thousands of pictures, and I pulled it off. I did. I know the salary isn't as good as the above listed, but I suppose you don't have to have to be stuck with a shitty salary. The business of hair, isn't about the quantity but the quality. You can pop out a 100 crappy hair do's and get paid a shitty salary. Or you can create a few mind blowing hairstyles, and have a great attitude, and get paid good. Most hairstylists rely on tips, just like a waitress, the service you provide, determines what you will make at the end of it. But money isn't why I chose this one. I realized I am fit for this. I can please many people, I'm very good with people, I love detail. I love creating unique looks, I can be creative. So as I leave you, I leave filling satisfied with my decision. I suppose finally I can move on from this rut and start planning the future. I believe I have finally found what I really want to go into. I feel very excited about this one and wish you to support me. I wont be a beauty school drop out.

Life at a glance

My life has its ups and its downs. Lately I seem to be in a rut, and lately I just need to let some emotions out. Usually I’m the happy go lucky type. I guess in this exact moment I’m just lost. I was that girl who didnt go right to college and settled down with the man of my dreams. I love who I am but like everyone else, I strive for change. Now part of me wants to do the whole college thing and do something I love (helping people) but another part of me doesn’t want to create roots. I want to get out and travel, I see so many people talk about how they wish their life was different. I don’t want to be the person who doubts where they are in life. I want to live my life without doubts, with no regrets. If I settle down and create roots will I regret not getting out and seeing the world. I hate depending on people, I wasn’t raised that way, I was raised to rely on myself and not others. I find myself depending on approval, acceptence, love, and help from others. I am not that person. I’m not content in my life, I suppose the only thing I truly am content with is my marriage. Most people consider me too young to settle down and create this love we share. But my husband is my other half. We compliment each other so well, and together we are a strong team. There is no I in our team, we both contribute 150% to our relationship. We stand up for each other and ourselves if needed. I grew up in an abusive home, and now am realizing that is past, and I have to move forward. Its been a long journey of depression and learning to love myself. I suppose lately I am teaching myself not to blame myself for what happened, and trying hard to let go of past feelings. I do hate the man who abused me, but keeping this hate is just destroying me. I have ended all communication with this person and they lady who let the abuse happen. It was hard, this lady gave birth to me, and I held her on this pedestal, but I knew if I continued talking to her I would always be the one who couldnt let go. My husband has helped in so many ways, helping me learn to love myself. He is my best friend, and I know its cliche but he is my best friend.

I dont know what this blog is to prove, but sometimes you have to let go and writing helps me get it out. I’ll probably post a variety of subjects here. So bare with me. If you have read than thanks, I know some of you dont know me but I am fine with that, some may not understand but I still understand. Thanks for listening. I guess stay tuned for next time.

love.peace.happiness

Life's little curveballs!

Life is throwing me some big curveballs almost all the time. Sometimes life misses and for those days I am happy. But those days when I'm not as sneaky, I usually get hit by one of those balls. Lately, I've been dodging but always seem hit right between the eyes with new ones.

The past few days I've been in so much pain, I could hardly move. I couldn't take the pain anymore so decided to just give up the fight of not going to the hospital and I went. I had blood drawn, and an IV, a pelvic exam and a catheder put in, they then proceeded to give me morphine and something for my nausea. All in all the referred me to a regular doctor and a gynecologist, for possible pcos or fibroids. So more money spent no real answers but then to go spend money im not making to pay to see a doctor and a gyno. I know, I know. Ive had this period for way to long.

I get so tired of non doctors telling me how to live my life and how to treat what i am going through. EXCUSE ME, did you graduate from med school have you been on your period for 2 FREAKING YEARS. NO so back off.

But ya more curve balls entail coming back to Kansas City to find out I'm not even allowed to see my sisters and brother. My mom is a fucking douche who is always kissing her abusive, molestor of a husbands ass. Do I hold grudges no not usually but i will hold this one. He abused me in everyway possible, and you mom you stick up for him.

But my life is no longer about her or my family. My life is about me and my husband Chris. He is my everything and everytime he smiles i smile. I love you baby.

I decided to continue with my orginal plan on going to college, but this time to major as a nurse and minor in photography ya i know a lot of schooling. I want to be the nurse in labor and delivery room...

Im on morphine and writing this... love you all... and hope i make since

Another one passed...

As the end of May arises and June sets in, I find myself wanting change. Not like change due to money or anything. A change of scenery, a change of life, a change into becoming who I am. Chris(my husband) and I have been married a year, and still feed off our family and the drama they create. I want to be in a place where we just are us. Free to do what we do without being scolded as children.

We are not at all your typical people. We hate working jobs that are 9-5 m-f, we love exploring, driving, we love being creative, having fun, staying up late, sleeping in, we love listening to music, we love being together. When we arent together it feels like we are lost, and our days are not filled with happiness and joy. I think we create this love, peace, and happiness together, without the other it all seems pointless. We want to travel its all we talk about. We want to find jobs when we need it, not cuz we have to.

We have been talking about moving into a van, we hate paying so much in rent, when us ourselves are getting by not taking life and living it. I love doing art and would love to get more into my art, but i dont find big schools that promising and exciting. I am tired of being told what we should do to further our lives, especially for money. We dont need money to be happy. We want to live in a van travel doing odd and end jobs to get us around, life should be about happiness and tranquility how can you get that from stress, money, a house, and bills. We dont deal with stress well, and with every job we have had the stress always leads to us bickering, and not appreciating each other for each other.

The last few months without us working for a corporation but doing odd and end jobs we seem more content and happy. We havent had to fight or annoy the other. We havent had to strive for attention. We are one.

So to van dwelling we go and traveling we live for.

Couch surfing

Will my life be always revolve around sleeping in somebodies basement, couch or spare room. Dont get me wrong I love to live with family.

Lately i find myself more drawn to traveling the u.s. mexico, or canada, no cares in the world no rent, no bills, except cell phone. Could i leave my brother and sister behind.

Im not sure if i really want to go to school is that life for me. I doubt it.

I want to travel find new places, meet new people, listen to their life stories.

Would Chris be up for the ride? Where would i start? Is it possible to do this?

I think its time for change. I find myself at a continuous battle of who i am, and what others expect. My body hates being one place for too long.

Ive become more intuned with my body over the last few years. I feel as though its time for me to change.

Ok so my couch surfing is become a bit of a habit first at chris's dad, then up in portland, and now at his moms i dont know if i can do the couch surfing but i love living nowhere but somewhere does that make sense.

I would love to live on a hippie commune for a while then move on to another. I want to be true to myself and this is the way i want it to be.