Thursday, June 26, 2008

Life rants.

When is it time to pick up and leave? Can you leave without an ounce of money in your hands? Where would 100 dollars get you?

I can't seem to get enthused about life, life seems to be going no where. Where am I going? I've got so many dreams and wants, could I actually achieve them, I suppose is the real question.

I hate living in a place for too long its not me. I've always moved, whether it be from grandmothers to my mothers. Once Chris and I started dating and we got our own apartment, I could not find the strength to live there for too long. I think creating roots scares me, or maybe it's just I cant create those roots. I can't and don't want to be stable. I guess growing up I was never stable so, now I don't have that ability.

After speaking with a few people, maybe its time to just not create roots but a root to a place that isnt rooted down. A van. The mention of it excites me. I love to read about other peoples experiences. I want those experiences. I want that freedom. I just want to live unconventionally. I'm tired of being a typical person. That is born, graduates school, goes to college, gets married, has children, buys a house, retires, and dies. It's like a river. A river has two forks in it you can either go down the one with all the traditional stuff or you can go down the bumpy unconventional adventurous one. I've started to go down the traditional one but lately I'm trying so hard to back paddle, because I've figured this one isn't the one for me. Now now my marriage is great that is not what I'm complaining about. It's everything else that seems such bullshit. Why must one conform to life to be thought highly of? I don't think highly of those who have conformed to this bullshit system. All through school you are taught school is the only thing that will get you through life, if you don't get a college degree, you cant make it in the real world, you need to be married before you have sex(I'll speak more about this one later), money is the core of life, and if you work forever you can retire happy. So why so much heartache until you retire. Why can't you create a life, full of happiness up until the day you die? Why is so much directed toward, financial, marital, business, commercial happiness? Why is one so looked down on if they have no worries and live life as it comes?

It takes me back to a comment a family member said about an elderly hippie from lawerence who found love in a 20 something year old female. And how the guy is crazy, because he is always dancing, around the university, and just having fun. Well he has found love but everyone thinks it's weird, because he is an old free loving elderly man, and this girl is a young free loving girl. I just feel that this man was being looked down on because of who he was, and he did not conform to this fucking bullshit of society.

I guess i am just tired of feeling like a caged animal. Always being stared at and having somebody wait until I fail or make mistakes. I need to be free live a life I have created, not one that somebody has pre-determined for me. I don't think I could live the typical American dream. I feel like I need to get out and start living life. As I grow older I continue to realize the pre-determined life is not a life I want to live. So here I am rewriting my life. Cheers to a new life. New dreams. New beginnings.

So as I conclude this rant of life, I leave you with one question?

Are you happy with your life?


Saturday, June 21, 2008

My life decisions

I'm good with my hands.
I love pleasing people.
I love praise, and compliments.
I enjoy being around people.
I love being creative.
I'm excellent at creating duplicates.
I hate knowing what tomorrow will bring.
I love challenges.
I love learning.
I'm very optimistic.
I love listening to people.
I love trying new things.
I deal with change.
I have a big heart.
I love to talk.
I'm a good friend.
I acknowledge my mistakes.
I will do anything to better myself.
I would give someone the shirt off my back.
I love nature.
I love animals.
I love art.
I love LOVE.
I am caring.
I am indecisive.

As I think about the above, I can apply most of those to what I want to be in life. Thing is I always seem to not be able to make up my mind. As I do, I always find something else I want to be. My ambitions seem to surpass me and I usually never go through with it. But over the years and becoming to realize stuff about myself, and what relaxes me and stuff I enjoy, I realize I have the power to be whatever I want to be. So these are the careers I have thought of over the years, accompanied by the years I thought I wanted to be that. lol. I will at the end of the post reveal what I have been looking into and am finally happy with the decision and why I chose it.

As a child up until I was a sophomore in high school I wanted to be a veterinarian. I suppose I came to wanting this just because, I grew up on a farm. I was the child who would put popsicle sticks on baby chicks legs because they were broke, or the time I was 4 and I helped with a pygmy goat C-section. I spent all my time around the farm checking on the animals, and if they needed help I was there. I remember times, when it would be in the middle of winter, and the sheep were giving birth, that I would go out there and take a towel to the babies to get them dry. Or the many animals I would rescue and help along the way. But after seeing more devastation of the animals not making it, even when i tried so hard, I decided it wasn't for me. Then a few years later it came back, but again I wasn't ready to see so many animals hurt or die. I then looked into becoming a vet tech, but I knew my creative side wouldn't shine, so i didn't want to do it.

But then my junior came and I was enrolled in all art classes. I mean I was a very creative child my whole life. I still have a drawing from first grade, where I had drew my grandpa cutting hay to make hay bales. He wasn't cutting it with a brush hog no I had him cutting the hay with scissors. I had a huge imagination. I guess that is what led me into wanting to be an artist. Thing is my mom pushed it so hard, because that was her dream, I burned out and left it.
But like the vet stuff this one bit me back in the ass. I dont want to go to school to be an artist where is the uniqueness of that I mean all the teachers teach the same thing, the way they want. But each teacher doesn't let one grow and do their own thing. AGAIN not for me. I suppose I'll keep it as a hobby and if it branches off into something it will.

Nursing, ya I pretty much picked this one to have a good thing to fall back on. I would be safe right. I don't know, it seemed logical. Apparently I'm not logical, I don't want to be safe. I wanted to do nursing, but not anywhere in a negative part of a medical place. I didn't think this one through. I wanted to do nursing in the labor and delivery unit of a hospital. All my friends are having babies. I believe having a baby is the biggest miracle of life. It comes from you, you help it grow, it's something you'll always be proud of. I just don't believe I can be creative in this field either, ya I know I am rambling. I suppose I couldn't deal with the loss of a life. I didn't do so hot when my grandpa died, but even watching children dying or seeing a child live without a parent on television, I tear up. I just don't think I could handle the reality of death.

So it brings me back to what I have been looking into and a new career path. So I am creative, good with my hands, a people pleaser, a great listener and love doing something new all the time. I grew up hating my hair, it never did what I wanted it to. It was curly and very hard to maintain. Ive learned to love it. It took a lot to finally get it down on what I needed to do. After going to many salons, and not finding a single one who new what they were doing, I knew it was time to research and find products good with my type of hair. I enjoyed trying new products in my hair. I loved changing the colors. In my life I have probably dyed it a hundred times, always about 10 times a year. I love change. I love creating a new look with it. I could do it all day everyday. So after my sister had made a comment while I was cutting her hair, it sunk in on what I wanted to be. I knew what she wanted we had researched thousands of pictures, and I pulled it off. I did. I know the salary isn't as good as the above listed, but I suppose you don't have to have to be stuck with a shitty salary. The business of hair, isn't about the quantity but the quality. You can pop out a 100 crappy hair do's and get paid a shitty salary. Or you can create a few mind blowing hairstyles, and have a great attitude, and get paid good. Most hairstylists rely on tips, just like a waitress, the service you provide, determines what you will make at the end of it. But money isn't why I chose this one. I realized I am fit for this. I can please many people, I'm very good with people, I love detail. I love creating unique looks, I can be creative. So as I leave you, I leave filling satisfied with my decision. I suppose finally I can move on from this rut and start planning the future. I believe I have finally found what I really want to go into. I feel very excited about this one and wish you to support me. I wont be a beauty school drop out.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Life at a glance

My life has its ups and its downs. Lately I seem to be in a rut, and lately I just need to let some emotions out. Usually I’m the happy go lucky type. I guess in this exact moment I’m just lost. I was that girl who didnt go right to college and settled down with the man of my dreams. I love who I am but like everyone else, I strive for change. Now part of me wants to do the whole college thing and do something I love (helping people) but another part of me doesn’t want to create roots. I want to get out and travel, I see so many people talk about how they wish their life was different. I don’t want to be the person who doubts where they are in life. I want to live my life without doubts, with no regrets. If I settle down and create roots will I regret not getting out and seeing the world. I hate depending on people, I wasn’t raised that way, I was raised to rely on myself and not others. I find myself depending on approval, acceptence, love, and help from others. I am not that person. I’m not content in my life, I suppose the only thing I truly am content with is my marriage. Most people consider me too young to settle down and create this love we share. But my husband is my other half. We compliment each other so well, and together we are a strong team. There is no I in our team, we both contribute 150% to our relationship. We stand up for each other and ourselves if needed. I grew up in an abusive home, and now am realizing that is past, and I have to move forward. Its been a long journey of depression and learning to love myself. I suppose lately I am teaching myself not to blame myself for what happened, and trying hard to let go of past feelings. I do hate the man who abused me, but keeping this hate is just destroying me. I have ended all communication with this person and they lady who let the abuse happen. It was hard, this lady gave birth to me, and I held her on this pedestal, but I knew if I continued talking to her I would always be the one who couldnt let go. My husband has helped in so many ways, helping me learn to love myself. He is my best friend, and I know its cliche but he is my best friend.

I dont know what this blog is to prove, but sometimes you have to let go and writing helps me get it out. I’ll probably post a variety of subjects here. So bare with me. If you have read than thanks, I know some of you dont know me but I am fine with that, some may not understand but I still understand. Thanks for listening. I guess stay tuned for next time.


Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Life's little curveballs!

Life is throwing me some big curveballs almost all the time. Sometimes life misses and for those days I am happy. But those days when I'm not as sneaky, I usually get hit by one of those balls. Lately, I've been dodging but always seem hit right between the eyes with new ones.

The past few days I've been in so much pain, I could hardly move. I couldn't take the pain anymore so decided to just give up the fight of not going to the hospital and I went. I had blood drawn, and an IV, a pelvic exam and a catheder put in, they then proceeded to give me morphine and something for my nausea. All in all the referred me to a regular doctor and a gynecologist, for possible pcos or fibroids. So more money spent no real answers but then to go spend money im not making to pay to see a doctor and a gyno. I know, I know. Ive had this period for way to long.

I get so tired of non doctors telling me how to live my life and how to treat what i am going through. EXCUSE ME, did you graduate from med school have you been on your period for 2 FREAKING YEARS. NO so back off.

But ya more curve balls entail coming back to Kansas City to find out I'm not even allowed to see my sisters and brother. My mom is a fucking douche who is always kissing her abusive, molestor of a husbands ass. Do I hold grudges no not usually but i will hold this one. He abused me in everyway possible, and you mom you stick up for him.

But my life is no longer about her or my family. My life is about me and my husband Chris. He is my everything and everytime he smiles i smile. I love you baby.

I decided to continue with my orginal plan on going to college, but this time to major as a nurse and minor in photography ya i know a lot of schooling. I want to be the nurse in labor and delivery room...

Im on morphine and writing this... love you all... and hope i make since