Friday, July 11, 2008

It's time

If I had an inkling I was obligated to remain in Kansas it was diminished this last week. I was never good with drama it messes with me, and I never like the effects it plays on me. I don't take to well with empty threats either. So as I stew and trying to understand this last week, it's apparent to me that I am not responsible for any of this nor do I need to be. I also came to understand that the longer I stay and deal with this, the more depressed I become. So as I speak I also realize it's time , time to let go and get out. With no money its hard to make plans on leaving but at this point I am trying to sell some odd and end stuff, save that money and work for a few months. I can not change what has happened and its not in my hands. Why should I stay and deal with the problems that keep arising. I should have stuck it out in Portland, remaining there in a place with little drama and great opportunities. I love the feel up there and had no clue as to what to do with life now as we live here and deal with this. I had no clue what we were really coming back home to. I've dealt with this abuse for so long I just can't find the strength to deal with it anymore.

Its time to get out of our rut and live. Living is such a weird word for me and I haven't truly ever lived yet. My life has always been consumed and dictated by someone else. I have truly never had complete control of my life. I'm constantly having my life pulled and tugged on by others. But lately I'm feeling grouchy and when somebody starts talking about how I should live my life I wind up saying something totally rude. I suppose my mind and my body are on the same page but my heart is not. My heart has always tried to help someone, and it gets broken so many times because those ones I try to help never get the help they need, but my mind and body are done with this and are ready to start taking back their independence, and creating blocks from my heart. Allowing me to finally think about myself and nobody else, well and chris. My mind knows something is wrong and is trying so hard to find what is wrong. I think I need a break. Maybe it is time for me to run away is it running away if you are an adult, or escaping. Either way I'm going to escape and live.

There is no way to win the fight I face, so I wash my hands of this and allow it to be handled by the real people responsible. That person is not me.

So here is my plan. Chris is going to get a temp job, making about 400-500 a week. We are going to save up all that money, buy a van. Then continue to work there for a little longer. Once we get the van we are going to throw a stone on the united states and whatever it lands on we will check out. We will then plan on how much we need to get there, how much gas, the prices of gas, and buy a bunch of canned food and live from our van. I know it sounds wild but it really isn't not as wild as to what is going on in my life at the moment.

Hopefully soon I can write a uplifting blog but at this moment its pretty dim, and depressing and I am sorry.