Saturday, October 4, 2008

Letter to mom.

This is a letter I have written to my mom.


This letter only speaks the truth.

One must learn to say no and pull back. One must release the negative and all associated. I will love unconditionally for the rest of my life. I can no longer be around the negative that brings me down. I have said "No"! I release my past and walk away into my future. When judgement day comes I know that I have no negativity and am a honest, loving person. I am a strong woman, and have stood up against what was wrong. Again when judgement day comes, I know I have nothing to hide. I release the demons that have been eating at me. Speak ill of me for what I've done, blame if you have to. Pointing fingers will not bring satisfaction, justice, or security. Pointing fingers allow hate and misunderstanding to rule over your mind, your soul, your heart, and your body. I no longer hate greg, he is nothing to me, and invisible being. His actions hold nothing over me, he no longer scares me, he is nothing but air. Your blindness to the past no longer frustrates me, no longer fills me up with resentment, it makes me aware of how lost you are.

I love myself, I respect myself, I empower myself, I strengthen myself, I listen to myself.

I dont lie to myself or others. In doing so I am filled with beauty, health, and love. My truth will bless all I encounter, and I will be blessed. I grasp who I am and not allow others to penetrate me negatively.

My pain is released and no longer haunts me or affect my life. I wish Catie the same. I too hope she can rise from the pain that runs deep within her soul, and allow it to be left behind. So that she can too walk into the future that is waiting to take her hand and allows her to grow and learn to love herself. I wish her to forgice those who hurt her and if forgiveness is not available, then to realize out of most things were not her fault, and to let go of those hurtful beings and label them as nothing. The main thing I wish for her to do is love herself unconditionally, to respect herself, to empower herself, to strenghten herself, to stand against what is wrong, and to listen to herself.

At no moment will I regret the actions I have taken. At no point will I regret speaking up for myself and my siblings. For someone to speak up against those who wronged or hurt us, takes strength. A strength that empowers an individual who can not or will not stand up for themselves. Again if the blame game must be played, then point your fingers at me if you must, but remember pointing fingers only empowers the hate and misunderstanding in your own mind and heart.

I do and will love you unconditionally.
I do not understand your actions.
I do care for you.
I do not care for your beliefs.

I release my past and allow myself growth. Growth of mind, body, and soul. Growth in the heart. Growth of an individual, and Growth of a Woman

Love Always

Monday, September 29, 2008

Getting closer...

My life has finally started climbing out of the hole I have dug for it. Pretty soon I will standing above the hole looking done, dusting myself off with a huge smile on my face. I will then turn away from that hole and start to walk, possibly even run. With everything finally coming together I just know we will finally hit our goal of leaving Kansas in a van with our dog, and travel. We plan on leaving Kansas behind near my birthday next year. With hopes of looking at the herbal schools we pass and finding one for me. Hopefully going back up to the northwest. Which in our time being up in Portland we have grown to love. We plan on taking our time through the southwest and up the west coast.

I finally got that job with Borders books, which I am addicted to by the way. I will be the lady who serves you your delicious coffee anyway you like it, with any pastry your heart desires. I orginally didn't apply for the barista position at all. I havent really worked with coffee, and usually too much gives me a headache. But I am willing to learn a trade that no matter where I go I can find a job similar. Also, what is nice about this job that is November I will also start training as a bookseller. So two good trades to have, bookselling and coffee making skills. I enjoy the job so far. There is a lot of training 32 hours worth plus you have to try all the coffees but that is ok. I have learned alot so far in the first 7 hours of training. A lot about where their coffee comes from, how it is grown, and how the roasting goes. Hopefully soon Chris also can find a job, so we will have more money to travel with and settle down somewhere. We plan to save his paychecks and half of mine, just so we have something to live on for the moment.

Things that are not working in our favor is the fact that the economy is in the poopers, and we have no vehicle and it will be awhile before we get a car. This makes it very hard to make sure we have some way for getting me to work.

In other news. My birthday was the 19th of this month and I had a wonderful day with my husband Chris. He took me to dinner and made a yummy cheesecake. A girl must indulge at some point. He also got me a book on herbs and how to grow them. I got a book from my grandma that I had been eyeing for a little while the book is The Earthwise Herbal: By Matthew Wood. Then that following weekend his cousin gave me a gift card to where else but borders so I went looking for Susan Weeds Healing Wise but couldnt find it at the store so I bought it online. It just finally arrived but I havent put it down yet, lol.

Chris I believe has decided not to go into pastry but to go for his true calling either botany or agriculture. He loves to be outside and garden and to learn new plants. So I believe it might be pretty good if we both work on similar but completely different career paths. I love this man.

So all in all the month of September has been kind to us, hopefully the month of October proves just as good.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My husband

I don't think I have formally told you about who I love the most in my life. My husband.

His name is Chris and is the cutest most loving man I know.

Chris and I have known of each other since 8th grade( I used to crush over him for like ever lol). We officially met in 9th grade during seminar during that year we had a few conversations usually started by him asking for some batteries for his CD player, seeing my art or simply just to chat. I moved away from the school for a year. During that year away I called him up one day and we would hang out at times. We had so many memorable moments at this time. My all time favorite was sitting out at my grandmothers farm looking up at the clear sky with the stars dancing around. He wasn't ready to commit to dating and I was still trying to figure myself out. So the day I graduated high school May 25th, we were over at my friends graduation party and he asked me out.

We were inseparable, he made me happy in ways no one could ever achieve. He listened, he loved, he cared, he understood. I moved in with him after 2 weeks of dating to get away from the abuse that was happening at my house. Some may say this is unhealthy but we grew stronger. I think maybe we have only spent the night apart a few weeks at most. A year went by and we faced our hardest time. My grandfather who was like my father passed away. I tried and tried to push Chris away but he stood by me in ways no one else did. He didn't leave me when others did. I know he tried so hard to be there and help me I just was not letting him in but when I tried to stop running and finally let him in it was so magical. A few months later we had just fought and were laying in bed together he asked me to marry him. I know most want men to be on their knee to profess their love but that isn't what I needed. I loved every moment of the way he proposed to me. I don't know how I could have risen from loosing my grandfather without Chris.

May 25th 2007 we got married exactly two years after we started dating. Maybe it was soon but it was right. We had a small wedding but it wasn't about the wedding it was more on the day knowing he and me were there, getting ready to share the rest of our lives with each other and that is all that counted.

Recently we went through another bad thing. When I finally had the courage to charge my stepfather for the sexual and physical abuse of me. Did Chris leave me when he found out I had been molested or other horrors of childhood came out. No, he held my hand and for that I am so grateful. I lost contact with my siblings over the charges, and Chris stood by me making me feel that its not my fault. When my mom accused me of breaking up her family he was by my side telling me that its not my fault. I love him so much.

I never dreamed of having such luck. Marrying my soul mate. Having a man that cared about me and didnt care who I was and actually loved me for my differences and flaws.

We can dance nerdy, talk funny, doing odd things and laugh at the end of it.

He is a gardener, he loves plants I swear once we get land he will take most of it and cover with vegetables and fruits, flowers, and different plants. But I am fine with it cuz I plan on taking the rest and doing herbs. Lol.

He loves music. His taste in music fluctuates. He has mainly good music taste and the others make me go ICK. But the same with me, I know he hates some of mine.

He is peaceful doesn't believe in the war. He really hates government and doesn't really understand the significance politics. I am not completely into politics but I do care what is going on like does he.

He is a hard worker. He would work 60 hour hard labor and go right back in just to make good money.

He is caring. He supports me trying to save every animal. He listens to me or anybody else when they are having a bad day. He loads me up with kisses.

He is great with children. I never seen someone so willing to work with kids, take them anywhere, make them laugh and am really kind with them.

He loves tattoos and piercing and supports me on choices about them.

He loves art, writing, some books, movies.

He loves comedy, horror, drama, action, adventure, and the occasional love story.

His smile lights up a room, its the first thing I look forward to in the morning.

There is so much more and I plan to revise this multiple times. Lol.
So far this is my husband, he loves me for me and I love him for him.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


YA I rocked that shit!!!!


Friday, September 12, 2008

Possible Job Oppurtunity

So I applied at borders after walking into their store and saw the now hiring sign. I was expecting a seller/cashier position but that is not what they are looking for at the time. So they offered me the barista position. I have absolutely no experience with anything other than traditional coffee, with a touch of milk or soy and sugar. I told him this and he was perfectly fine with it adding We all start somewhere. So he set up an interview with me tomorrow at 4:30 I am both nervous and excited just cuz I can finally work without worrying about a period all the time.

Many of you may not know that I have had my period for two years and finally had some extra cash thanks for the stimulus check to go to the doctor. The just put me on birth control with ya helped regulate me but I havent felt at all like myself. I am trying to look into something to control my period but to no evail have I found it. If anybody reads this and knows a more natural approach please let me know!

Anyways back to the job I have only worked jobs that involve children, I suppose it will feel rather good to finally be around adults, and have more adult conversations. Other than my dear husband, who is waiting on how his interview monday went. If we both get jobs we will have enough to get out of her YAY!!!!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

So we've been planning. I love to plan as many of you may know, thing I hate about planning is that planning usually never goes the way you anticipate. But this time Chris and I are taking charge and going to make this plan work. Chris has a interview tomorrow making up to 13-15 dollars an hour, it isnt something he is entirely happy about doing but he realizes we need the money to pay off some debt and saving up the rest to get out of this town, out of his dads house, and on our own.

I know in the past I have talked about doing some crazy things like hair... Lately I have started to hate hair. So the past few weeks I sat myself set down and think of something that excites me, that interests me and makes me want to know more. Something that if I did I would still be interested in, later in life. So I sat and wondered, pondered. I went through childhood experiences that stick out to me. I always remember my grandma and mom taking things from the house and using them to heal me. I love those moments, we shared bonds and moments over those things. I find my self doing it to this day. So I looked at myself in the mirror and from that moment on I knew what I really wanted to do, needed to do. So I went to the computer and started looking for schools that taught this, and I found one up in Seattle. Bastyr College. Its a college that specializes in natural remedies. I want to go for herbal studies, and maybe farther from there. This is something I truly do feel passionate about and from reading the course and other things about the school I fell in love. Like the love I feel for someone love.

So here is our plan. We plan to live in Kansas until about next September, paying off some debt saving up money and planting a garden. Get us a van we arent sure if we are going to live in it when we get there but to have one just in case is good... I think to establish residency up there we are going to have to rent an apartment for at least a year or so. Then we can leave it and just go to school living in the van. We are not to sure but I feel we are going to have to live in Seattle a little bit before we can go to school. So get jobs up there and start living a new life. Chris is planning on still going for a pastry chef. He is very good. But that is our plan then after school we plan to get jobs with our professions and I plan to go for photography and stuff.

I cant wait to start our vegetable garden and MY HERB GARDEN!!!

Come on next summer.

Here are some of the stuff we plan to plant.

Squash butternut, spaghetti, zucchini, cucumbers
green beans

nootka lupine
st johns wort
lemon balm

So here you guys go a good little blog for all of you a happy blog...

Friday, August 29, 2008


As I set here and try to figure out the perfect word to describe what I am feeling the only word that comes to mind is lost. It all comes down to feeling like I've failed, somewhere in life I have failed. I have had all communication from my family destroyed by one act of molestation when I was younger. I was not at fault my stepfather was and all the blame goes down on to me? I feel as though since I spoke up I was punished for an act that I did not commit. I can see why the average person does not stand up and speak up about an act of rape. If this is how they get viewed upon like they were the ones who was doing the raping. Life is so confusing right now, there is no justification for it.

Everything I thought I wanted, I second guess, because so far nothing that I have made a decision about has resulted in a good thing.

I am not really positive how much more I can take. Everything that was working so good is falling and falling fast. I am not sure how life got to be so shitty. How did I fuck up so bad this is the life we are forced to live? Couldn't I have had the ability to make it better, no I probably couldnt. With the saying everything happens for a reason and you are never given something that you cant handle. Well I am about at my breaking point.

I know for a reason there is people with more horrible lifes and are the happiest people, but I have had such a horrible life, i thought it was my time to have a good life. One everybody else was living. One a girl always dreams of. I am not the average girl. I want a small house with lots of acreage, kids, my husband, and love I would be so happy with minimum wage for the rest of my life.

Sorry a rant guys but it had to happen!