Lost

As I set here and try to figure out the perfect word to describe what I am feeling the only word that comes to mind is lost. It all comes down to feeling like I've failed, somewhere in life I have failed. I have had all communication from my family destroyed by one act of molestation when I was younger. I was not at fault my stepfather was and all the blame goes down on to me? I feel as though since I spoke up I was punished for an act that I did not commit. I can see why the average person does not stand up and speak up about an act of rape. If this is how they get viewed upon like they were the ones who was doing the raping. Life is so confusing right now, there is no justification for it.

Everything I thought I wanted, I second guess, because so far nothing that I have made a decision about has resulted in a good thing.

I am not really positive how much more I can take. Everything that was working so good is falling and falling fast. I am not sure how life got to be so shitty. How did I fuck up so bad this is the life we are forced to live? Couldn't I have had the ability to make it better, no I probably couldnt. With the saying everything happens for a reason and you are never given something that you cant handle. Well I am about at my breaking point.

I know for a reason there is people with more horrible lifes and are the happiest people, but I have had such a horrible life, i thought it was my time to have a good life. One everybody else was living. One a girl always dreams of. I am not the average girl. I want a small house with lots of acreage, kids, my husband, and love I would be so happy with minimum wage for the rest of my life.

Sorry a rant guys but it had to happen!

Life.

Before you read just know I am happy and enjoying time with Chris. My life is pretty easy right now. I just want more variety.

When one knows its time to leave but has no means on leaving, one gets frustrated. That one is me. I am so tired of knowing what to expect tomorrow. I try changing it up but its getting to the point that those one things only relieve me for the moment. No matter how much I fit into the day it is not getting it close to where we want to be. I enjoy life do not get me wrong. Seeing Chris all day everyday is the best moments of my life. I suspect not having a car has brought me into cabin fever. I know I could walk to places but when you live in suburbia Kansas. All you would wind up going to is the local strip mall but with no cool stores and boring places its no use. I want to just get out of here for awhile. Anybody want to come get us and take us away to a new place? I can not deal with with just couch surfing sponging off someone. Can it be so hard to be self sufficient. The economy is in the pits and it is so hard to find a job. Everyone is hiring but yet there are no jobs for us? That is a weird concept. Are they just that picky? Or am I? Life is getting very predictable, and I am one of those people who hate consistency. This is why van dwelling appeals to me beyond belief. Waking up in the morning in a new part of town, new state or a place unmarked. I am missing things from our time up in oregon. The scenery, the public transportation, the view, the ocean, the forests, and so much more. In Kansas we dont have much but we are known just for our fountains and our bbq. I dont want to live in a place so conservative and only known for those two things.

My ideal place to live would be by the ocean for I could swim all day everyday. Maybe soon I can do that. To wake up knowing something out there is greater than me. Creating something so magical so serene so calm.

I guess today is a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but its my mumbo jumbo.

Anyways on to nicer things my dreads are looking fabulous, they are knotting up very well. I get to see my puppy tomorrow so all is good there.

love.peace.happiness

Long awaited...

Well today we got too updates one... I dreaded my hair. It took about 10 hours and it was long and painful. I think I am exhausted not by how long it took but the pain... I'm happy with it though so yea.


Secondly our long awaited tie dye... First lets get the what you need and stuff out of the way.

You need:
Soda Ash/ or Sodium Carbonate(which we found you could buy at Wal-mart for way cheaper in the pool section)
Pro-cion MX dyes ( make sure you do not accidently buy acid dyes... they do not work for cotton call around to your local art stores)
Squirt bottles(like the ones you put ketchup in)( Make sure you buy more expensive ones though they last longer and do not leak unlike the cheap ones.
100% Cotton Material
A clean surface
A wire rack to the shirt on to dye
Gloves(make sure you wear these examples below)
And a Tub to catch excess dye.

Soda ash will last forever so keep it afterwards.

Ok we got our designs by chance and watching some videos on youtube.

ALright here we go


Spiral.


Double Spiral.

V shirt

Circle.


My wedding dress

Corner burst

Our duvet.
This is Why YOU WEAR gloves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So here you go these are our creations... hope you enjoy and dont forget to check youtube for some awesome tips on how to create these beauties.

Tied and Dyed.

We have been doing some tie dye over the last couple days and have came out with some pretty kick but tie dye... I can't wait to show you guys. But we are working on dying our duvet so after that is done we will post all of our beauties and show you how to come out with some remarkable pieces also... where to go what to use you know the whole nine yards so stay tuned.

Love.peace.happiness
Mandi

Sunshine on my raining days

As the drama starts coming to a end. I feel the warmth of sunshine breaking through the stormy clouds. The wet ground around me starts to dry up and all I got is sunshine. I've finally had the strength to release all the negativity in my life and start grasping and breathing in the positive. The positive has been repressed for a very long time, I almost lost sight on what was so positive in my life. So has I start living the positive, I must also leave the drama here. So here it goes, I am leaving Kansas in a few months, to travel with the biggest positive in my life. My husband. I have been so lost in the negative, I have been drowning out my husband. So we are about to begin our journey to positivity, I can feel the warmth.

So as we begin to depart from couch surfing, we start planning our future. After the whole dramatic performance of my sister running away. We decide to put of having kids for at least 5 years, allowing us to be ourselves and doing what we love. Which brings me to our next plan. We have decided to buy a van and convert it into our home for as long as possible. This way being able to travel when we want, save money and pay of debt. We hate paying money for such large of space when we only use a third of it. All of our stuff fits in one room with so much space left over. We plan to travel the southwest during the winter and then work our way up through the west coast up to oregon during the spring. We love this idea so much and I can hardly wait to buy a van and make it a homey little well home. Something we can just drive for hours not worrying about a apartment. So we will become vandwellers in the next two months if everything pans out the way I want it to.

So look forward to more happy posts, and more journey's and detailed information on our vandwelling trials and much deserved happiness. I know it might be a difficult road but I have nothing but hope.

Cheers to a new beginnings. One we deserve

It's time

If I had an inkling I was obligated to remain in Kansas it was diminished this last week. I was never good with drama it messes with me, and I never like the effects it plays on me. I don't take to well with empty threats either. So as I stew and trying to understand this last week, it's apparent to me that I am not responsible for any of this nor do I need to be. I also came to understand that the longer I stay and deal with this, the more depressed I become. So as I speak I also realize it's time , time to let go and get out. With no money its hard to make plans on leaving but at this point I am trying to sell some odd and end stuff, save that money and work for a few months. I can not change what has happened and its not in my hands. Why should I stay and deal with the problems that keep arising. I should have stuck it out in Portland, remaining there in a place with little drama and great opportunities. I love the feel up there and had no clue as to what to do with life now as we live here and deal with this. I had no clue what we were really coming back home to. I've dealt with this abuse for so long I just can't find the strength to deal with it anymore.

Its time to get out of our rut and live. Living is such a weird word for me and I haven't truly ever lived yet. My life has always been consumed and dictated by someone else. I have truly never had complete control of my life. I'm constantly having my life pulled and tugged on by others. But lately I'm feeling grouchy and when somebody starts talking about how I should live my life I wind up saying something totally rude. I suppose my mind and my body are on the same page but my heart is not. My heart has always tried to help someone, and it gets broken so many times because those ones I try to help never get the help they need, but my mind and body are done with this and are ready to start taking back their independence, and creating blocks from my heart. Allowing me to finally think about myself and nobody else, well and chris. My mind knows something is wrong and is trying so hard to find what is wrong. I think I need a break. Maybe it is time for me to run away is it running away if you are an adult, or escaping. Either way I'm going to escape and live.

There is no way to win the fight I face, so I wash my hands of this and allow it to be handled by the real people responsible. That person is not me.

So here is my plan. Chris is going to get a temp job, making about 400-500 a week. We are going to save up all that money, buy a van. Then continue to work there for a little longer. Once we get the van we are going to throw a stone on the united states and whatever it lands on we will check out. We will then plan on how much we need to get there, how much gas, the prices of gas, and buy a bunch of canned food and live from our van. I know it sounds wild but it really isn't not as wild as to what is going on in my life at the moment.

Hopefully soon I can write a uplifting blog but at this moment its pretty dim, and depressing and I am sorry.

Life rants.

When is it time to pick up and leave? Can you leave without an ounce of money in your hands? Where would 100 dollars get you?

I can't seem to get enthused about life, life seems to be going no where. Where am I going? I've got so many dreams and wants, could I actually achieve them, I suppose is the real question.

I hate living in a place for too long its not me. I've always moved, whether it be from grandmothers to my mothers. Once Chris and I started dating and we got our own apartment, I could not find the strength to live there for too long. I think creating roots scares me, or maybe it's just I cant create those roots. I can't and don't want to be stable. I guess growing up I was never stable so, now I don't have that ability.

After speaking with a few people, maybe its time to just not create roots but a root to a place that isnt rooted down. A van. The mention of it excites me. I love to read about other peoples experiences. I want those experiences. I want that freedom. I just want to live unconventionally. I'm tired of being a typical person. That is born, graduates school, goes to college, gets married, has children, buys a house, retires, and dies. It's like a river. A river has two forks in it you can either go down the one with all the traditional stuff or you can go down the bumpy unconventional adventurous one. I've started to go down the traditional one but lately I'm trying so hard to back paddle, because I've figured this one isn't the one for me. Now now my marriage is great that is not what I'm complaining about. It's everything else that seems such bullshit. Why must one conform to life to be thought highly of? I don't think highly of those who have conformed to this bullshit system. All through school you are taught school is the only thing that will get you through life, if you don't get a college degree, you cant make it in the real world, you need to be married before you have sex(I'll speak more about this one later), money is the core of life, and if you work forever you can retire happy. So why so much heartache until you retire. Why can't you create a life, full of happiness up until the day you die? Why is so much directed toward, financial, marital, business, commercial happiness? Why is one so looked down on if they have no worries and live life as it comes?

It takes me back to a comment a family member said about an elderly hippie from lawerence who found love in a 20 something year old female. And how the guy is crazy, because he is always dancing, around the university, and just having fun. Well he has found love but everyone thinks it's weird, because he is an old free loving elderly man, and this girl is a young free loving girl. I just feel that this man was being looked down on because of who he was, and he did not conform to this fucking bullshit of society.

I guess i am just tired of feeling like a caged animal. Always being stared at and having somebody wait until I fail or make mistakes. I need to be free live a life I have created, not one that somebody has pre-determined for me. I don't think I could live the typical American dream. I feel like I need to get out and start living life. As I grow older I continue to realize the pre-determined life is not a life I want to live. So here I am rewriting my life. Cheers to a new life. New dreams. New beginnings.

So as I conclude this rant of life, I leave you with one question?

Are you happy with your life?

love.peace.happiness