Getting closer...

My life has finally started climbing out of the hole I have dug for it. Pretty soon I will standing above the hole looking done, dusting myself off with a huge smile on my face. I will then turn away from that hole and start to walk, possibly even run. With everything finally coming together I just know we will finally hit our goal of leaving Kansas in a van with our dog, and travel. We plan on leaving Kansas behind near my birthday next year. With hopes of looking at the herbal schools we pass and finding one for me. Hopefully going back up to the northwest. Which in our time being up in Portland we have grown to love. We plan on taking our time through the southwest and up the west coast.

I finally got that job with Borders books, which I am addicted to by the way. I will be the lady who serves you your delicious coffee anyway you like it, with any pastry your heart desires. I orginally didn't apply for the barista position at all. I havent really worked with coffee, and usually too much gives me a headache. But I am willing to learn a trade that no matter where I go I can find a job similar. Also, what is nice about this job that is November I will also start training as a bookseller. So two good trades to have, bookselling and coffee making skills. I enjoy the job so far. There is a lot of training 32 hours worth plus you have to try all the coffees but that is ok. I have learned alot so far in the first 7 hours of training. A lot about where their coffee comes from, how it is grown, and how the roasting goes. Hopefully soon Chris also can find a job, so we will have more money to travel with and settle down somewhere. We plan to save his paychecks and half of mine, just so we have something to live on for the moment.

Things that are not working in our favor is the fact that the economy is in the poopers, and we have no vehicle and it will be awhile before we get a car. This makes it very hard to make sure we have some way for getting me to work.

In other news. My birthday was the 19th of this month and I had a wonderful day with my husband Chris. He took me to dinner and made a yummy cheesecake. A girl must indulge at some point. He also got me a book on herbs and how to grow them. I got a book from my grandma that I had been eyeing for a little while the book is The Earthwise Herbal: By Matthew Wood. Then that following weekend his cousin gave me a gift card to where else but borders so I went looking for Susan Weeds Healing Wise but couldnt find it at the store so I bought it online. It just finally arrived but I havent put it down yet, lol.

Chris I believe has decided not to go into pastry but to go for his true calling either botany or agriculture. He loves to be outside and garden and to learn new plants. So I believe it might be pretty good if we both work on similar but completely different career paths. I love this man.

So all in all the month of September has been kind to us, hopefully the month of October proves just as good.

Sunshine on my raining days

As the drama starts coming to a end. I feel the warmth of sunshine breaking through the stormy clouds. The wet ground around me starts to dry up and all I got is sunshine. I've finally had the strength to release all the negativity in my life and start grasping and breathing in the positive. The positive has been repressed for a very long time, I almost lost sight on what was so positive in my life. So has I start living the positive, I must also leave the drama here. So here it goes, I am leaving Kansas in a few months, to travel with the biggest positive in my life. My husband. I have been so lost in the negative, I have been drowning out my husband. So we are about to begin our journey to positivity, I can feel the warmth.

So as we begin to depart from couch surfing, we start planning our future. After the whole dramatic performance of my sister running away. We decide to put of having kids for at least 5 years, allowing us to be ourselves and doing what we love. Which brings me to our next plan. We have decided to buy a van and convert it into our home for as long as possible. This way being able to travel when we want, save money and pay of debt. We hate paying money for such large of space when we only use a third of it. All of our stuff fits in one room with so much space left over. We plan to travel the southwest during the winter and then work our way up through the west coast up to oregon during the spring. We love this idea so much and I can hardly wait to buy a van and make it a homey little well home. Something we can just drive for hours not worrying about a apartment. So we will become vandwellers in the next two months if everything pans out the way I want it to.

So look forward to more happy posts, and more journey's and detailed information on our vandwelling trials and much deserved happiness. I know it might be a difficult road but I have nothing but hope.

Cheers to a new beginnings. One we deserve

It's time

If I had an inkling I was obligated to remain in Kansas it was diminished this last week. I was never good with drama it messes with me, and I never like the effects it plays on me. I don't take to well with empty threats either. So as I stew and trying to understand this last week, it's apparent to me that I am not responsible for any of this nor do I need to be. I also came to understand that the longer I stay and deal with this, the more depressed I become. So as I speak I also realize it's time , time to let go and get out. With no money its hard to make plans on leaving but at this point I am trying to sell some odd and end stuff, save that money and work for a few months. I can not change what has happened and its not in my hands. Why should I stay and deal with the problems that keep arising. I should have stuck it out in Portland, remaining there in a place with little drama and great opportunities. I love the feel up there and had no clue as to what to do with life now as we live here and deal with this. I had no clue what we were really coming back home to. I've dealt with this abuse for so long I just can't find the strength to deal with it anymore.

Its time to get out of our rut and live. Living is such a weird word for me and I haven't truly ever lived yet. My life has always been consumed and dictated by someone else. I have truly never had complete control of my life. I'm constantly having my life pulled and tugged on by others. But lately I'm feeling grouchy and when somebody starts talking about how I should live my life I wind up saying something totally rude. I suppose my mind and my body are on the same page but my heart is not. My heart has always tried to help someone, and it gets broken so many times because those ones I try to help never get the help they need, but my mind and body are done with this and are ready to start taking back their independence, and creating blocks from my heart. Allowing me to finally think about myself and nobody else, well and chris. My mind knows something is wrong and is trying so hard to find what is wrong. I think I need a break. Maybe it is time for me to run away is it running away if you are an adult, or escaping. Either way I'm going to escape and live.

There is no way to win the fight I face, so I wash my hands of this and allow it to be handled by the real people responsible. That person is not me.

So here is my plan. Chris is going to get a temp job, making about 400-500 a week. We are going to save up all that money, buy a van. Then continue to work there for a little longer. Once we get the van we are going to throw a stone on the united states and whatever it lands on we will check out. We will then plan on how much we need to get there, how much gas, the prices of gas, and buy a bunch of canned food and live from our van. I know it sounds wild but it really isn't not as wild as to what is going on in my life at the moment.

Hopefully soon I can write a uplifting blog but at this moment its pretty dim, and depressing and I am sorry.

My life decisions

I'm good with my hands.
I love pleasing people.
I love praise, and compliments.
I enjoy being around people.
I love being creative.
I'm excellent at creating duplicates.
I hate knowing what tomorrow will bring.
I love challenges.
I love learning.
I'm very optimistic.
I love listening to people.
I love trying new things.
I deal with change.
I have a big heart.
I love to talk.
I'm a good friend.
I acknowledge my mistakes.
I will do anything to better myself.
I would give someone the shirt off my back.
I love nature.
I love animals.
I love art.
I love LOVE.
I am caring.
I am indecisive.

As I think about the above, I can apply most of those to what I want to be in life. Thing is I always seem to not be able to make up my mind. As I do, I always find something else I want to be. My ambitions seem to surpass me and I usually never go through with it. But over the years and becoming to realize stuff about myself, and what relaxes me and stuff I enjoy, I realize I have the power to be whatever I want to be. So these are the careers I have thought of over the years, accompanied by the years I thought I wanted to be that. lol. I will at the end of the post reveal what I have been looking into and am finally happy with the decision and why I chose it.


As a child up until I was a sophomore in high school I wanted to be a veterinarian. I suppose I came to wanting this just because, I grew up on a farm. I was the child who would put popsicle sticks on baby chicks legs because they were broke, or the time I was 4 and I helped with a pygmy goat C-section. I spent all my time around the farm checking on the animals, and if they needed help I was there. I remember times, when it would be in the middle of winter, and the sheep were giving birth, that I would go out there and take a towel to the babies to get them dry. Or the many animals I would rescue and help along the way. But after seeing more devastation of the animals not making it, even when i tried so hard, I decided it wasn't for me. Then a few years later it came back, but again I wasn't ready to see so many animals hurt or die. I then looked into becoming a vet tech, but I knew my creative side wouldn't shine, so i didn't want to do it.

But then my junior came and I was enrolled in all art classes. I mean I was a very creative child my whole life. I still have a drawing from first grade, where I had drew my grandpa cutting hay to make hay bales. He wasn't cutting it with a brush hog no I had him cutting the hay with scissors. I had a huge imagination. I guess that is what led me into wanting to be an artist. Thing is my mom pushed it so hard, because that was her dream, I burned out and left it.
But like the vet stuff this one bit me back in the ass. I dont want to go to school to be an artist where is the uniqueness of that I mean all the teachers teach the same thing, the way they want. But each teacher doesn't let one grow and do their own thing. AGAIN not for me. I suppose I'll keep it as a hobby and if it branches off into something it will.

Nursing, ya I pretty much picked this one to have a good thing to fall back on. I would be safe right. I don't know, it seemed logical. Apparently I'm not logical, I don't want to be safe. I wanted to do nursing, but not anywhere in a negative part of a medical place. I didn't think this one through. I wanted to do nursing in the labor and delivery unit of a hospital. All my friends are having babies. I believe having a baby is the biggest miracle of life. It comes from you, you help it grow, it's something you'll always be proud of. I just don't believe I can be creative in this field either, ya I know I am rambling. I suppose I couldn't deal with the loss of a life. I didn't do so hot when my grandpa died, but even watching children dying or seeing a child live without a parent on television, I tear up. I just don't think I could handle the reality of death.


So it brings me back to what I have been looking into and a new career path. So I am creative, good with my hands, a people pleaser, a great listener and love doing something new all the time. I grew up hating my hair, it never did what I wanted it to. It was curly and very hard to maintain. Ive learned to love it. It took a lot to finally get it down on what I needed to do. After going to many salons, and not finding a single one who new what they were doing, I knew it was time to research and find products good with my type of hair. I enjoyed trying new products in my hair. I loved changing the colors. In my life I have probably dyed it a hundred times, always about 10 times a year. I love change. I love creating a new look with it. I could do it all day everyday. So after my sister had made a comment while I was cutting her hair, it sunk in on what I wanted to be. I knew what she wanted we had researched thousands of pictures, and I pulled it off. I did. I know the salary isn't as good as the above listed, but I suppose you don't have to have to be stuck with a shitty salary. The business of hair, isn't about the quantity but the quality. You can pop out a 100 crappy hair do's and get paid a shitty salary. Or you can create a few mind blowing hairstyles, and have a great attitude, and get paid good. Most hairstylists rely on tips, just like a waitress, the service you provide, determines what you will make at the end of it. But money isn't why I chose this one. I realized I am fit for this. I can please many people, I'm very good with people, I love detail. I love creating unique looks, I can be creative. So as I leave you, I leave filling satisfied with my decision. I suppose finally I can move on from this rut and start planning the future. I believe I have finally found what I really want to go into. I feel very excited about this one and wish you to support me. I wont be a beauty school drop out.