Lost

As I set here and try to figure out the perfect word to describe what I am feeling the only word that comes to mind is lost. It all comes down to feeling like I've failed, somewhere in life I have failed. I have had all communication from my family destroyed by one act of molestation when I was younger. I was not at fault my stepfather was and all the blame goes down on to me? I feel as though since I spoke up I was punished for an act that I did not commit. I can see why the average person does not stand up and speak up about an act of rape. If this is how they get viewed upon like they were the ones who was doing the raping. Life is so confusing right now, there is no justification for it.

Everything I thought I wanted, I second guess, because so far nothing that I have made a decision about has resulted in a good thing.

I am not really positive how much more I can take. Everything that was working so good is falling and falling fast. I am not sure how life got to be so shitty. How did I fuck up so bad this is the life we are forced to live? Couldn't I have had the ability to make it better, no I probably couldnt. With the saying everything happens for a reason and you are never given something that you cant handle. Well I am about at my breaking point.

I know for a reason there is people with more horrible lifes and are the happiest people, but I have had such a horrible life, i thought it was my time to have a good life. One everybody else was living. One a girl always dreams of. I am not the average girl. I want a small house with lots of acreage, kids, my husband, and love I would be so happy with minimum wage for the rest of my life.

Sorry a rant guys but it had to happen!

Life.

Before you read just know I am happy and enjoying time with Chris. My life is pretty easy right now. I just want more variety.

When one knows its time to leave but has no means on leaving, one gets frustrated. That one is me. I am so tired of knowing what to expect tomorrow. I try changing it up but its getting to the point that those one things only relieve me for the moment. No matter how much I fit into the day it is not getting it close to where we want to be. I enjoy life do not get me wrong. Seeing Chris all day everyday is the best moments of my life. I suspect not having a car has brought me into cabin fever. I know I could walk to places but when you live in suburbia Kansas. All you would wind up going to is the local strip mall but with no cool stores and boring places its no use. I want to just get out of here for awhile. Anybody want to come get us and take us away to a new place? I can not deal with with just couch surfing sponging off someone. Can it be so hard to be self sufficient. The economy is in the pits and it is so hard to find a job. Everyone is hiring but yet there are no jobs for us? That is a weird concept. Are they just that picky? Or am I? Life is getting very predictable, and I am one of those people who hate consistency. This is why van dwelling appeals to me beyond belief. Waking up in the morning in a new part of town, new state or a place unmarked. I am missing things from our time up in oregon. The scenery, the public transportation, the view, the ocean, the forests, and so much more. In Kansas we dont have much but we are known just for our fountains and our bbq. I dont want to live in a place so conservative and only known for those two things.

My ideal place to live would be by the ocean for I could swim all day everyday. Maybe soon I can do that. To wake up knowing something out there is greater than me. Creating something so magical so serene so calm.

I guess today is a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but its my mumbo jumbo.

Anyways on to nicer things my dreads are looking fabulous, they are knotting up very well. I get to see my puppy tomorrow so all is good there.

love.peace.happiness

Long awaited...

Well today we got too updates one... I dreaded my hair. It took about 10 hours and it was long and painful. I think I am exhausted not by how long it took but the pain... I'm happy with it though so yea.


Secondly our long awaited tie dye... First lets get the what you need and stuff out of the way.

You need:
Soda Ash/ or Sodium Carbonate(which we found you could buy at Wal-mart for way cheaper in the pool section)
Pro-cion MX dyes ( make sure you do not accidently buy acid dyes... they do not work for cotton call around to your local art stores)
Squirt bottles(like the ones you put ketchup in)( Make sure you buy more expensive ones though they last longer and do not leak unlike the cheap ones.
100% Cotton Material
A clean surface
A wire rack to the shirt on to dye
Gloves(make sure you wear these examples below)
And a Tub to catch excess dye.

Soda ash will last forever so keep it afterwards.

Ok we got our designs by chance and watching some videos on youtube.

ALright here we go


Spiral.


Double Spiral.

V shirt

Circle.


My wedding dress

Corner burst

Our duvet.
This is Why YOU WEAR gloves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So here you go these are our creations... hope you enjoy and dont forget to check youtube for some awesome tips on how to create these beauties.